Sitting on a pile of clothes...

Sitting on a pile of clothes I view the landscape a few inches below me and take stock of the year thus far. Stock taking time is here for peeps who go to grad school at my school, we're done with another chunk of our stuff and are a few months closer to the end of another chunk of work.
I like saying chunks of work, reminds me of blocks of tofu or something block-ful of nutritional deliciousness.

Taking stock of the year: I've definitely come far from where I was at the beginning of September, so that's good.

What's not so good is that I still get the feeling of being lonely even though I am usually in the middle of crowds.

I've noticed that most of the gay kids at my school have either a social awkwardness that's too much of a liability or they have chips on their shoulders stacked up as if in a game of Jenga-- and that's not endearing either. What's wrong with these people? What kind of common affliction do they suffer from? Not that I do not have chips on my shoulder or am not socially awkward but still.. Perhaps I am too judegmental.

The weather here is mild and nice though I'd wish we'd be done with the cold fronts, the haze and the general wintry nip already. Its time for a climactic change, and I was wishing that it'd come here earlier than the other cities I have lived in.

I am on spring break next week, which I hope is productive. I'll be working, applying to internships, having fun with friends here, going to visit friends and weaning myself off comfort foods

Talking of food, I have not been eating out as much and have been preparing food. A few friends and I went to the awesomest Asian supermarket and traipsed and trawled there for about 3.5 hours.I effectively did my groceries there. I also went to this bakery yesterday near my house which sells bread like super cheap cuz of their factory which is so close by. I think my hood is purty amazin' and the summer is only going to make it better.

I am a bit exhausted and am going to head out soon. Take care.

Regards,
W

p.s.- I promise to post more often

Thinking out loud

This year has been pretty uneventful as far as election years go. Pretty straightforward results. The same rousing, empty rhetoric, a lot of hand waving, false smiles, family pictures, buttons and all that. I miss the days of old when nominees would often be decided at the National Conventions. One particularly exciting one was when Kennedy won the nomination. The Making of the American President does a decent job exploring that. A Team of Rivals is a fantastic book. I love political non-fiction and biographies. 

Meanwhile, the lives of my fellow bloggers seem to have been eventful- both bad and good- relationships, academics, work stuff, moves and all that. I am gradually beginning to feel comfortable in the skin of the city that is home to me. My problem is I tend to dwell on the past a tad too much than I should. You can't help something.

You also can't help how you feel about certain issues. You can think rationally all you want but your heart won't let your mind dictate. Am I telling someone a lie, when I tell someone I don't think I am homophobic, while my heart won't let itself get unwrapped by clear logic? 

Coming out doesn't seem to serve any benefits, at least not yet. I am sure a while down the road, i'll re-read the post and cringe and crack up. Hindsight is a great pointer to the sophomoric idiot in me. All those people who feel comfortable enough to be in their skin are some of the bravest people out there. I have to work hard enough to prop up my fragile self esteem- all that bravado and bluster- my arsenal is pretty depleted that I won't be able to deflect barbs that are a part and parcel of the coming out process. It'll be insanity. But there's never such a thing as a good time for bad things is there?

I've seen a few movies recently and I highly recommend all of them:

Shelter ( simple story line, really sweet, well acted, nice soundtrack, I loved it, loved it)

Poster Boy (I've always thought about this story line, political ) 

Get Real (Cute, traditional, a bit boring to be honest)

Sommerstrum (Cute coming of age story)

A Question of Love (Cute coming of age story)

CRAZY (Cutesy, endearing)

Holidays ahoy! Before I leave next week, I have 5 holiday parties to attend and have friends from college visiting. That all promises to be loads of fun. Home does not.

I hope you are all doing well, and do say hello from time to time.

Cheers!

Civlization here I come

I am going back a-visiting.former college haunts. former friends. security.release. this weekend. very exciting. Couldn't be happier to get back in touch with the real world.

World Spins Madly On

I hate when people disconnect midway through a conversation or a dialogue. And I wasn't about to do that.

Fall's galloping towards winter. I love this time of the year. The weather is pretty much the only thing that I am favorably disposed to these days.

I am really homesick. I miss my former life, my college, my college friends and the city that I've just left. The city that I've moved to, while a fine city in it's own right, has been surprisingly abysmally disappointing. I'd rather call it a town for the amenities that it provides. However, to be fair I do have a skewed perspective: this is the smallest place I've ever lived in. I find it a tad surprising that there's no decent public transit, there aren't any decent stores, and there isn't much to do. The city is quite poor and the racial divide is disturbingly patent. No surprises that it's quite an unsafe city. I went on a tour of the city neighborhoods and was pretty shocked.

The people in my program are hard to be friends with. It strange, sad but true. There's just too much destructive interference (think Young's Double Slit Experiment). We're constantly on different wavelengths.

If I could transfer out, I would, but I won't. My advisor is extremely supportive and the department wants to help me succeed, so staying here is a smart career move.One of the profs who I hope will agree to co-advise me next term is super cute, super classy and super British right down to his overall 'look' :)

I am hoping that someday I will be able to come to terms with things and just settle and feel an inner peace. I have always been in a rush to get someplace that always seems to be around the corner. I am beginning to get out of breath. I've got to stop this wild goose chase. I know what I should want, but I can't believe I will ever be satisfied. I feel frustrated because I've always known what I should do in a particular circumstance but I end up doing somethings pretty stupid anyways.

The shadows are lengthening outside. I'll go for a walk by the water now. The blast of the fog horn, the crisp evening cool and the nip in the air will hopefully assuage, somewhat, this nostalgic heart.

New beginnings

Fall's here and so is Gossip Girl. I tres heart the show. 

I love fall. New colors, new clothes, new semester, new stationery, and this year new city, new friends, new program, new hopes, new dreams...

BUT honestly, it doesn't feel like fall in my new city, it's pretty hot and muggy and pretty ghetto. The city I did my undergrad in is one of the finest cities in NA and this one is one of the ghettoest in NA. Talk about extremes. However, I live on the water and the harbour is nice so it's meh. 

School started for us on the 28th and it promises to be a bundle of work. We run on a quarter system and I feel drained already which doesn't bode too well for me.But hopefully I'll be fine. 

I like the people in the program. They're surprisingly not as international as I thought they'd be and not from as many big name schools either.However, they're all very interesting in the perspectives they bring. A vast majority of them have worked for a while after their last degree. It's rather uncommon to jump in straight after undergrad, to the extent that someone actually asked me in a jocular way as to what I was doing in the program. It was funny.

There are 4 of us from my undergrad school and while we were acquaintances back then we are becoming good friends now. It's really funny how things work out with friends and stuff. The one thing I am miffed about though is that the folks in my track are very cliquey. I don't  know any of them and I don't think I'll be good friends with any of them.However, I've met many cool people from the rest of the tracks. 

I don't know how i feel and how I ought to feel. I feel sorta anxious, a bit blank and mostly ambivalent. I don't know why. When will Pfizer come up with something to give people like me a boost?

Hope you guys are doing well and enjoying the long weekend.